Life through the eyes of a 30-something Panda Woman who happens to be Chronically Sick and Disabled.

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Ever just feel so lonely?

I live with my parents and my Cat. I am very rarely alone in or out of the house and yet I feel terribly lonely.

Do you remember when you were a teenager and “no-one understands me” was a daily retort? More than ever I find myself wanting to scream that at those around me.

Dad continues to believe that all of my health issues are due to being overweight, whilst Mum, I’m sure, thinks I over exaggerate it.

I was talking to my best mate about how lonely I feel trapped in my body and how I feel like no-one cares anymore as my pain is old news. He, in his wonderfully blunt manner, explained that it wasn’t that they don’t care, but more that the caring is a given and that they know I’d hate to be treated like I’m useless. He’s right.

But that doesn’t help on nights when you just want someone else’s arms around you and the cat refuses snuggles as you’ve been medicating him too (he has hayfever too apparently).

Just a cuddle. Just to fall asleep with my arms around someone. I’d almost pay for it (no sex please I’m British). I return to the point that an ex was going to have a tshirt made for me saying “will have sex for cuddles”. Obviously I’d have to want to cuddle them…

But yeah, I’m in that horrid place where my brain is turning to mush with the levels of painkillers I have to take to stay awake and moving, and I still can’t sit up at my desk for more than a couple of hours so almost certainly am not fit enough to return to work.

I wish there were support groups for my conditions in my area or even better free yoga/tai chi and meditation classes and free swimming lessons!

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June 2012
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